This weekend, I could have gone out somewhere. Maybe to the trip that my office friends had been planning since the last two weeks. Enticing? No doubt. But then also, I didn’t go out. I knew about the trip all week. Marked it on my calendar and I said to myself that I am going to go. In anticipation, I was very happy and had a huge smile on my face that turned into a pout. Silly me!! I didn’t have the courage to go out. I betrayed so many people. I didn’t keep promises with my friends. I got freaked out and backed out in the end. And as always this weekend I spent all my time hanging out with myself. It was very boring just because I got anxious and chickened out.
So, you may ask. Why skip a life full of glee?
I really don’t know. But I would say that it surely beats the hell out of me. At the time I had a reason and I am trying to list some of the dumb reasons that came out for not to go out. The very first reason that I told myself is that I should not have fun for at home there are many things that need to be done. My plan was to work hard like I was under the gun. Clean up the room, finish that half read the book, and learn some new skills that could be helpful for my job or maybe write something for that out of reach blog page that I created one day out of mysterious zeal. So, you may ask, “How many things did I finish?” None!
But the real reason so far that I can figure out is the one that I don’t really understand very well. Call it a condition or a social mountain that I need to climb or ocean to swim across. It’s people. They just get me freaked out like hell. When I am home on my laptop, I feel no need to be freaky and online I am composed and I am funny and witty. But in person, I am concerned that people can see through me and I feel standing naked as people are judging me. They could make out that I am not cooler that I seem to be.
When I talk to people, I feel like I am on a stage and me, a struggling performer. Be witty, funny entertaining and excited. And then I wish with no doubt that I shouldn’t have come out and stayed at home comfortably. There was one more good reason that I should have gone with my office friends as the girl for whom I have been falling for lately was also going to come. But eventually, that made things way tougher as I can let other people still have a bad impression of me but for her, I didn’t dare to take a chance. What if, I told a joke and she didn’t laugh? What if we got into an argument about god and religious, as she was a believer and I am not? I should stay away from her as I couldn’t let her know that I feel for her because she wouldn’t understand it for sure and think that I am such a creep.
That day when I come back from office, I was thinking about her and how much I liked her. I wanted to do something good for her just to make sure that she knows that she is appreciated. First I thought that I will stick around and make her feel special by sharing some jokes or any kind of good gesture. Maybe I could company her to some movies or out so, that she is entertained when she is alone and bored. But then I stopped. What if things do not go as per plan and I commit a mistake? Apologies are much more complicated for me. I don’t know how to say sorry the correct way where you are forgiven easily. For instance, if I say sorry and she is like whatever. But I am really really sorry. An apology never gets over. I say sorry because I feel bad that I made you feel bad and I keep on telling that I feel bad until you feel bad and I feel bad for making you feel so bad and the chain continues.
In social life, I stay low and almost invisible because it’s the only practical and easy way to go. As I know that even if I try, I wouldn’t be able to make it go too far with the constant compulsion to impress people and one day I will fail. Then again I will be left alone on my own. I know that I am the real loser but then sometimes it’s good to console yourself that I am great and others are not intelligent enough to have thought close enough to understand me.
But I also wonder about this thing that people do, when they ask, “Hey man! What going on exciting in your life?” and when you are talking they are waiting for you to be through so that they can say that they are busier and more interesting than you.
But it’s all in my mind. These reasons are silly and I don’t need to be worried about that. My friends are not judgmental people. Staying home alone is boring and I must come out. I only live once so I can put up all my chances. Next time I will join them and go out. Yes! Sure I am going to do that. There are cool things to see and new things to know. I need not be afraid of people and make anxiety such a formidable enemy. So, I will take a chance and talk to people without any doubt. Maybe! Maybe not!
