Superheroes are the boon of the comic book world. They fight crime and help protect the innocent. But sometimes they make wardrobe decisions to make even the stupidest criminals laugh their asses off. Presenting the top ten superhero costumes too stupid for the real world.
10. Dazzler and her roller blades
Dazzler was Mutant that first came to the spotlight in the 70’s. The era when roller blades were still fun (ugh!!). A mutant who could absorb sound waves and convert it to light energy, Dazzler preferred the wheels under her shoes rather than those under a bus to travel around. She used a disco ball to emit light energy and “dazzle” her opponents hence the name. But what if the bad guy decides to take the less scenic route, say a forest or a bumby road, to escape. Call it a day coz you love your roller blades too much? The 70’s were fucked up man. Trust me.
9. Azrael and his suit
The 90’s weren’t the best eras for a practical superhero. It was the age of flashy, tacky costumes with unusual, sometimes outlandish designs that serve practically no purpose but nauseate their opponents with bright colors. Taking a cue from Tony Stark, Joe Quesada designed the Azrael full body suit. When Bane broke Batman quite literally, Azrael wears this suit in his one man revenge on the criminal scum of Gotham as the new Batman. Guess why the suit was so peculiar. It had no utility belt, only pockets at weird places and shoulder pods like an NFL jock. The full face mask was later incorporated in the Batman Beyond suit so I guess some good came out of it.
8. Superman and his jeans
Superman was the first ever mainstream superhero. He literally started the word superhero. When we picture superman we see a guy in his red undies wearing a blue suit and a cape. That’s almost like an icon. That was until a few years ago, DC tried to let go of the red underwear for a more down to earth look. They gave him a pair of jeans to ear. Now its all well and good for a guy to wear jeans to his work but when the guy’s job is fighting people with insane levels of strength and flying into space and save people from a burning building on a daily basis, I guess the jeans aren’t that much rugged to take all that shit.
7. Rocketeer and his jetpack
Theres just one thing wrong with this guy’s costume. Just one. Everything!!! The racketeer flies around the sky wearing a jetpack and dealing with threats from the sky. That is until you realise the jetpack he carries around lights up every now and then to produce scorching flames and his ass is the first to bear the brunt of it. I don’t care if he is wearing fire proof underwear. If a costume is dangerous enough to blast your legs, I say throw it in the dustbin, or if the guy is crazy enough to wear it, throw that guy in the loony bin.
6. Penance and his spikes
The suit Penance wears is one big freakshow. After a debacle that kills a lot of his close friends, the guy blames himself and starts wearing a suit that has dozens of spikes inside it. It’s his Penance, so to speak. What a truly useless concept. Not only does the suit harm the good guy more than the bad guy, it has no eye slits for the good guy to look out too. So basically the guy is bloody, bleeding, and blind. And yet he fights crime. The ridicule is too strong for Penance. Sounds like the writers wanted this guy to die slowly. They succeeded.
5. Hangman and his noose
Hangman is a criminally under appreciated character. He is basically what he sounds like. A character with a hangman costume who carries around two nooses – one in his hand and one in his neck. It’s okay to let the guy carry around a noose. He is called Hangman for God’s sake. But why is he carrying one around his neck. With such poor costume design, even you can best Hangman if you wanted to. Just go for the noose he wears around and tighten it enough. Who’s up for Dead Hangman?
4. Red Sonja and her Bikini Armor
Red Sonja ain’t much of a superhero as she is a badass warrior. She wanders around looking for trouble and battling evil wizards and grotesque monsters. With all the threats she facs on an average basis, it would be practical of her to wear a full fledged armor. Practicality? Lol whats that!! Red Sonja wears a ridiculously revealing chainmail lingerie set to battle. She isn’t afraid of a papercut but death is something she should care about. In her regular costume, protection is minimal. One good claw to the liver and she is done for.
3. Hawkman and his mask
Hawkman is an example of a superhero that, even after taking repeated rebirths as the same guy living the same life, refuses to learn. His mask looks awesome but its so damnn illogical. Look at those downward pincers. They could pierce him in the heart if he stops for a bit to admire his own shoes. The mask has absolutely zero peripheral vision. Those pointy wings on top could injure a fellow superhero in the eye. Good luck fighting crime in that impractical monstrosity.
2. Wonder Woman and her heels
Diana of Themiscira loves three things – Her Amazonian heritage, humanity and her freaking red heels. In the comics she has been fighting crime since her entry into DC entertainment. Her footwear is extremely impractical and serves no purpose in battle. Women don’t wear heels to a fight. And she is supposed to be a god damn seasoned warrior of a race that has been privy to combat since ages. It would sound extremely uncool if Dr. Poison ends up gassing scores of innocent civilians and escaping only because of Wonder Woman running late coz her combat heels broke and she scratched her knee.
1. Catwoman and her tail
A classic tale of Cosplay taken too far, Catwoman’s ridiculous tail has the logic of a turtle to it. There is no way that tail would serve any purpose in Catwoman’s late night endeavors. She is thief and a part time ally to Batman. When all your life has been jumping through wall and holes to run away from the good guys or running into bad guys, why give them a chance to get hold of you? The tail is only useful to the four legged felines. Selina doesn’t need it. Keep the cat themed obsession as tailless as possible please. We don’t want Batman’s current fiance dying so soon.
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