I kept walking around in the house like a loon in the dark evening for she was asleep and the dogs were out with the kids. Just roaming around in my own house, I landed up entering the one room that was forbidden to all of us. That was the smallest one in the house. It was a really tiny room, where I probably saw one of the most beautifully decorated a room. There was a table in the farthermost corner of the room with a small chair along and her laptop with the typewriter on the table. The corner that was right in front of the door, though, was the one that really caught my eye. There, she had built herself the little world that described her entire world in one little corner. I can probably never describe it in writing how she had adorably put everything in that little corner. The first thing I laid my eyes on was the cello that beheld everything else in there. Right by the side of the cello went the first copy of the first novel she had written. Those were both what represented her. Now I understood how much she had always wished to learn how to play a cello. The prettiest thing ever right next to the other side of the cello was a guitar I never saw but had always wanted. I could not believe my eyes when I found out that she had bought it. She had actually gotten the one thing I kept waiting to buy without even letting me know of it. That was me. Those three things had a tiara on top of them binding them all together which made it perfectly understandable that we both were bound together.
The next thing I saw were the music notes of a beautiful song, the rap lyrics of a song that was never released but was written years ago, a video camera along with a professional camera and a basketball. The last thing that I saw there was a little box of black, with a table-tennis racket and a cookbook inside of it. That was the first cookbook her brother had ever bought. I could not believe my eyes and accept how much she loved us all. More than that I really could not believe that that was how small her world was. My eyes could not accept the fact that that was how little her entire world was, the one where she was happy. Above all those things on the wall laid a world map inside of which was our family photograph. She had put me, kids and the dogs inside of the entire world she wished to see. That was all. A few little things and exactly the number of people with a desire to see the world with us. That was her entire world.
About thirty minutes later, I looked around the room again. On the couch, I found a little novel titled “Only Love by Erich Segal.” I grabbed it and opened it up to find a letter drop from it. I have probably never loved reading anything apart from that letter.
Yes, that’s exactly how small my world is. All that I have ever wanted to do is to be an author who’d be remembered even after I’d die and travel around the world with the few people that mean the world to me. Not that I’m not capable of living a life on my own. I would love to do that but if given a choice, I’d always prefer having the people I love, with me. It doesn’t happen by choice that we fall in love with someone. I don’t know if all these people that I have here in this world of mine are actually mine or not. I really have no idea about it but the weird thing is that I don’t even wish to know. It’s sad because I fear that what would happen if the answer would be a NO! I know I would handle myself through it but I’m not really sure if I’d be able to replace these people if I’d be left alone by them. Honestly? I don’t want to.
The few dreams that I have are too small an amount but mean so much to me. I want to be remembered. I want the world to know who I am. When I die, I want my children to be able to say it proudly that I inspired them to be who they wanted to be. I want each soul on this planet to know my name. I want to be known the way I am. I don’t want everybody to love me. There can be people who hate me too but I want to inspire lives. I want people to read about me somewhere and think to themselves ‘I’d like to be the way she is.’
I want people to know my face and remember my name. yet, what I don’t want is to ever let anyone think that I’d break others down to put myself up. I’d love the world where everybody is a leader. I’d just want my space in it. However, I want to work for it. I don’t want it in vain or as a blessing. I want to deserve it. I want to see as much hardship required to be where I want to be. I want the people I love to be happy to see me where I stand. I want all of them to have everything they’ve ever wished for. I want people asking me for a picture with them, not because I’m a known face but because they feel something by reading my words. I want people to understand that love is not a bad thing. I want to sell as many trillion copies of my books as one could never imagine. I want to be the one because of whom, people start saying that reading came alive as a tradition once again. I want people to know the real person I am. I want them to say my name in a proud manner even if they haven’t seen me in person, ever.
I want to see every corner of this world with the people I love. There are a few things though that I want to have all by myself. My ambitions won’t strive down only because of a few significant changes in life. I still want to see London, all alone. I want to walk barefoot in a forest and find my own way out of it. I want to face all my worst fears by myself. I want to prove it to myself that I am one strong person who can live life by herself. I don’t want to show it or brag about it to the world. I just want the world to change a few of its beliefs. I want the world to be a fair and even place for everyone to live in. I don’t want people or children going to sleep with empty stomachs while I enjoy a meal and probably over eat. I want to see how the people live across the globe. I want to live with a few strange families for a night and listen to how they’ve lived all their lives. I want people to know that there still exists humanity in the world.
I want to make believe that it wouldn’t break me down if I’d be all alone. It would not mean being lonely. I want to make believe that I’d be as happily living even if I’d have to live my life all by myself. I want to make people understand that they are the biggest power to themselves and the world. I want people to know that no one can change their lives more than themselves. I want people to understand it through my words that one shall never stop learning. That one shall never be completely wise and should never stop educating themselves. I want people to know it and understand it through my words that what we make of ourselves is completely in our hands, that we are responsible for the life we live. I want people to know that it wouldn’t matter if they’d be all alone or not. They could be happy even then. I want to make a difference and leave a mark on this world.
I want to travel as far as possible. I want to walk distances and explore things as far as anyone could ever imagine. I want to see the places no one has ever heard of. Being there a few places I want to go to all by myself, there do exist a number of them where I want to be with all my friends and family. There are an endless number of places where I want to be with all of them the way we are, in the night sky, talking about childhood stories. I want to sing all my favorite songs with them. I want to play snow fights and pillow fights with them. I want to go places with all of them. There still are places left where I want to be with him in the night sky, just laying beneath the stars, holding hands and not saying a word. I want to do all these things. I want to be someone I’ll be proud of. At the same time, I want to be someone who spends their entire life with the people I love. The list isn’t too long.
Those are all I have for a small amount but a huge value of dreams.
An hour later I went out of the room. She was still asleep but the kids and the dogs were back. I went to the kitchen when she woke up and came outside. She hugged both of our dogs and the kids then came to the kitchen for water. As she had entered, she had seen me smiling to myself. She came in, stood by my side and said while pouring herself some water.
“You aren’t supposed to go in there.”
I laughed a little bit and we both smiled. She knows me way too well for me to be able to lie to her, ever. I’m sure she’ll fulfill her wish list before she dies. That is who she is. She has her ways. She knows how to make her dreams come to life. I’m sure she will. Just the way she has made me fulfill all my dreams and love the person I am. Rather, the musician I am.