Thrice, in one single day, have I felt that I am extremely difficult to be understood. We spend at least one-third of our lives, looking for people who understand us and won’t hurt us. Another one-third is spent getting comfortable with the ones we find if at all find those. The remaining time we get is a mixture of happiness and sorrow. The question that is often put up is that do we mould ourselves into the curvature that we wish others to fit into? The answer is a NO, most of the times. But what if it’s a YES? What if we really are the piece of art that we are looking for, the one we idealize, the one that we wish to have a part of. What if, everything we ask for is already being offered by us and we really do have the right to ask for it. What if the questions I am asking have no answers to them and it’s meant to be this way, I’m meant to be kept in the dark. Well, quite obviously, such a thought can always put any individual into a great dilemma and state of doubt. That is no element of surprise.
Some say that there is nothing permanent in this world, a few believe that there can be a few. For what I have faith in, it doesn’t matter if something is permanent or not, what matters is that for as long as you live, that is until when ‘forever’ counts. People, relationships, friendship, and love are the things that keep one moving. It isn’t a cakewalk to find people who understand you, have faith in you, trust you and wish for you to grow. But for what’s the most of it, it is an extremely painful thing to wish for them to grow, help them grow, force them to grow, at times, whilst have them become the reasons for your tears.
Moving on to why I really started putting things into words, was to be able to explain things we usually let go in vain, never understanding that these are the things that shape us, that decide whether we turn out positive or negative. Having found people who really are family, sometimes, gives hope. However, knowing that they aren’t really a blood relation also gives a tensed aura as to when they might just drift off. There are times when I don’t even pay attention to what I say or what I do, yet, those people fall in love with me for that. There are times, I don’t give a second thought to my thoughts before letting them out because that is who I really am. But then, there are also times when I filter each and every thought that pops in my head for that is the right thing to do. Every time any one of them needs a hand, a hug, a talk or simply someone to sit beside them, I never let it be an empty space for them. For whatever is in my hands, is never left undone. Talking when needed, being there as a support or whatever it takes for them to be happy. What’s important is that I get happier than them when I do that.
Going back in time, not too far, though, reminds me of the times when I had been there for her, a sister in a friend. I remember how I had let everything be, my parents, my troubles, most of all, the one thing that I love the most, my writing, for her to be happy, to be on her side throughout. No later than a week, she exclaimed to me that I speak a lot and never listen to her. That was the first time ever that I had burst into tears straight away, even when she was there on the other end of the phone at the very moment she had spelled those words out, yet, she never got to know that how hard I cried that night. I never even wish for her to know anything about it, however, keeping it inside is going to be as hazardous as any poison to kill myself. It’s nothing less than slow suicide. I was ready to pay the price asked for, I did pay the price asked for. As the next morning arrived, the pain had vanished for I knew that she had said it impulsively. A few days passed, things got better and we were back to normal until when things actually went way below the ‘zero’ mark for her and we came extremely close. Things really worked in balance for the days were as bad as they were good.
When I finally got affected was not earlier than this very evening, though. While we three hung out where we usually do, everything was awesome. Happiness was at its peak when a note of the guitar hit my eardrums and both of us looked at each other at the very same moment to find each other smiling sheepishly. The mistake that I made was to break my silence and find nothing but a disappointment to it. There’s so much to us. The things we love, the music that makes us feel alive, the words we write and everything on which we are all alive. The music was attacked today for it was well exclaimed that suddenly, my favorites were something that seemed weird to her. While the entire time, what he did was to stand there and do what he loves, play with music. It’s beautiful to see him engrossed that way. He never looks more satisfied than with that guitar in his hand and his fingers on the strings.
In a desire to not let anything wrong happen at that moment, I took a step back and went away for a while. I’m glad that it wasn’t noticed by any of them. However, that wasn’t where it stopped. For when I expected it to, another blast got bestowed upon me. What was misunderstood and why, I really don’t know. Frankly, I don’t even wish to know for I know it wasn’t intentional. Another followed and that was when I totally lost it. You know how it feels to obsess over something for a lot of time and see that thing turn into negativity? Well, I got to know about it today. You do something, expect it to turn out in one particular way but what it becomes is exactly what you wanted it not to be. The state that you are finally left in is one that is inexplicable for you feel a certain ache in your tummy, a cluster of water in your throat that wishes to come out of your eyes but all that happens is that you are left numb. That is it. Nothing goes further beyond it. But that doesn’t make it any less painful. One thing inexplicable right here is about how special that one piece of writing was for me that I had written with her in mind, but that turned out to have hurt her. Moreover, I was applicably blamed for something that I had never had in mind. She is utterly special to me. She makes me want to work towards myself so I never lack anything she’d ever want or any one of them would ever want. She has taught me, in one way or the other, to be able to respect the individuality of every soul, to understand that there can be different people with different hearts. However, has it ever crossed your mind how painful it would be to see that you are not respected for who you are, for your individuality when all you do is to understand the other soul? When you are misunderstood and blamed for the person you are proud to be, it shatters you somewhere.
That was exactly what started storming my mind. Later in the night, though, whilst tears weren’t ready to leave my mind, I started to feel that I was wrong. That made it even more difficult. The person you wish to go to, is the reason why you need a go-to and the other one, whom you can confide in, already has so much on their plate that you do not wish to overload it and spill important things off, that is when you decide to take things in your own control, which proves to be a worsened situation. I had been looking forward to talking to him about a certain thing whilst that began was the very moment that her voice dragged in and the moment got lost into something I did not even wish to spoil.
Unfortunately, that proved to spoil the entire night for me and kicked in the game of insomnia, which I never lose. At least there was something tonight to which I won the battle.